Cool Off.

I went missing from my work for 2 straight days not wanting to go back anymore. The day after Christmas was quite depressing. For some reason I feel so vulnerable. My motto: "No Room For Weakness." has turned out to be a lie. I am weak. It came down on me, on how lonely I was. I wanted to be with a person so much but I just cant. I started to question myself if I even want to be here. Looking for reasons to put up a struggle when Im not gonna get anything in return. How pathetic.

In the morning of December 26 i woke at 2am, my eyes tired and hurting. I spent all my Christmas afternoon with my sister watching a marathon of this anime series called 'Death Note' which was quite witty. It was nice. I was about to start my usual routine morning brushing my teeth, preparing for my breakfast ( which was composed of our leftovers from our Noche Buena) and then out of nowhere I decided not to come to work. I first texted my Supervisor with a fake alibi. ( a terrible headache.) and called our office line for my official call off. I went to bed again. Woke up at 9am which felt so wonderful. I treated my family with a movie from the annual film fest. We went for Shake Rattle and Roll X which turned out to be disppointing. Nothing about the movie was close to be entertaining. It was entirely a boring movie. I was texting the whole time with this guy that I started dating last Christmas eve. He was on another nearby Mall shopping for groceries for New Year. I decided to meet him and went there not even bothering to finish the movie. It turned out to be fantastic. It was fun. I help him shop for his food. And he handed my his Christmas gift as well. He then treated me for some iced coffee and brownies which is so cute. And even holded hands inside the cab on our way home. He seems to be a nice, resposible guy. We have a lot of things in common. And we both enjoyed each other's company. I wanted him in a way but there are things, no matter how smoothly they go that we still find ourselves looking for something thats just not there. So I still couldnt say that's its finally love.

I visited a Perya in the afternoon of my 2nd day of absence from work. I got myself a new haircut and was still feeling a little depressed. I went by just to watch the crowd. Got myself some softdrinks and to smoke. I was thinking of playing the bingo game but then saw this color game crowded with male gamblers. They played with this dice with colors and if ever your color appeared they doubled the amount of money you bet. Im not big into gambling, but there was this cute guy that I noticed. We was playing and seems to be winning. I wanted to be around more unnoticed so I decided to play as well and bet. It was fun. I was not for the money but for the guy im eyeing at. He was really cute. Kinda my type so I hang around a little more. We smoke. He seemed so serious that he didnt even noticed me staring, one time I think he'l caught me looking so I pretended to be looking at the colors deciding where to bet.There are some instance that i would even forget what color I placed my bet since I was distracted. I won a hundred bucks. But I left it back. Its not that i have a lot of cash on my pocket to carry but i just dont want to use something out of gambing I only stated for the boys not the money. I went home forgetting the cute gambler. And as I was waiting for a jeep to bring me home, a thought suddenly came in to me; We should never be comfortable with our lives. The minute you feel confident on something it wont really take a split sec for you to lose it. Be happy, Im thankful that I got a job that pays well. I need it. We should never be complaining. Its ok to feel tired. Unhappy, uncontended, depressed, alone. We are just humans. We are designed to feel that way and still "We should never let ourselves make room for weakness."