Cheers to New Year!

Imagine filling the skies with all these sparking lights. Its unbelievable!

Its brand new year! new hopes and dreams to start dealing with. I have a blast with our year end celebration party last night with all my highschool classmates gathering to watch this fireworks display in our town. It was fantastic. Drinking beers while enjoying the scene. How crazy was that. 2008 has beaten the hell out of me, but I guess i have survived it all. It was a difficult year. Loosing a number of my close friends from work. I felt how is it like to be broke. My brother being hospitalize. I fighting my way back to school. Breaking every promised I made to myself. Some memories and lesson i learned throught the year. It was a struggle to keep up. and im glad to be alive and a new chance to continue dreaming for 2009 .

( i wrote this post halfway between 2008-2009.)

Happy New Year!

Cool Off.

I went missing from my work for 2 straight days not wanting to go back anymore. The day after Christmas was quite depressing. For some reason I feel so vulnerable. My motto: "No Room For Weakness." has turned out to be a lie. I am weak. It came down on me, on how lonely I was. I wanted to be with a person so much but I just cant. I started to question myself if I even want to be here. Looking for reasons to put up a struggle when Im not gonna get anything in return. How pathetic.

In the morning of December 26 i woke at 2am, my eyes tired and hurting. I spent all my Christmas afternoon with my sister watching a marathon of this anime series called 'Death Note' which was quite witty. It was nice. I was about to start my usual routine morning brushing my teeth, preparing for my breakfast ( which was composed of our leftovers from our Noche Buena) and then out of nowhere I decided not to come to work. I first texted my Supervisor with a fake alibi. ( a terrible headache.) and called our office line for my official call off. I went to bed again. Woke up at 9am which felt so wonderful. I treated my family with a movie from the annual film fest. We went for Shake Rattle and Roll X which turned out to be disppointing. Nothing about the movie was close to be entertaining. It was entirely a boring movie. I was texting the whole time with this guy that I started dating last Christmas eve. He was on another nearby Mall shopping for groceries for New Year. I decided to meet him and went there not even bothering to finish the movie. It turned out to be fantastic. It was fun. I help him shop for his food. And he handed my his Christmas gift as well. He then treated me for some iced coffee and brownies which is so cute. And even holded hands inside the cab on our way home. He seems to be a nice, resposible guy. We have a lot of things in common. And we both enjoyed each other's company. I wanted him in a way but there are things, no matter how smoothly they go that we still find ourselves looking for something thats just not there. So I still couldnt say that's its finally love.

I visited a Perya in the afternoon of my 2nd day of absence from work. I got myself a new haircut and was still feeling a little depressed. I went by just to watch the crowd. Got myself some softdrinks and to smoke. I was thinking of playing the bingo game but then saw this color game crowded with male gamblers. They played with this dice with colors and if ever your color appeared they doubled the amount of money you bet. Im not big into gambling, but there was this cute guy that I noticed. We was playing and seems to be winning. I wanted to be around more unnoticed so I decided to play as well and bet. It was fun. I was not for the money but for the guy im eyeing at. He was really cute. Kinda my type so I hang around a little more. We smoke. He seemed so serious that he didnt even noticed me staring, one time I think he'l caught me looking so I pretended to be looking at the colors deciding where to bet.There are some instance that i would even forget what color I placed my bet since I was distracted. I won a hundred bucks. But I left it back. Its not that i have a lot of cash on my pocket to carry but i just dont want to use something out of gambing I only stated for the boys not the money. I went home forgetting the cute gambler. And as I was waiting for a jeep to bring me home, a thought suddenly came in to me; We should never be comfortable with our lives. The minute you feel confident on something it wont really take a split sec for you to lose it. Be happy, Im thankful that I got a job that pays well. I need it. We should never be complaining. Its ok to feel tired. Unhappy, uncontended, depressed, alone. We are just humans. We are designed to feel that way and still "We should never let ourselves make room for weakness."

Good Morning. I cant stop laughing when I first read this.

Christmas Day

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!!

I'm at work today taking calls. But I dont care. Hey its Christmas! there are no excuses not to be happy today. Thou we got all kinds of crisis all over the place, we are still lucky to be celebrating this wonderful day with the people we love and cared for. I dont give a damn if im broke tomorrow. I got a text message from my special someone. A cute unexpected casual date last night, Christmas eve. Im sleep deprived, but i dont feel anything at all. Im totally full of energy and inspirations which will not go away today. Im glad, happy, inspired, inlove. I want to jump and scream out in joy. Merry Christmas!!

Christmas Dizz..

This is what I bought for myself this Christmas. : ) My first Ipod!

Ok. We only got 3 nights left before christmas. I may have gotten myself an Ipod but still im not excited. The expenses. Food. The agony of having to go to work on Christmas day. There is just too much. I went out with my bestfriend again last night. We first attended a Misa de Gallo at 8pm ( got that part filled on my bucket list ) We eat dinner somewhere on a grill in Riverbanks. It was nice. And Went to a bar for a couple of rounds of beer. We werent having fun so we decided to change bars when midnight and went to Borafire were we caught the last set of performance from the band playing. There were this cutie im eyeing at behind our table. ( apparently the guy was straight so i told myself to forget it.) We drank a couple of beers. smoke. more beers, that i became so drunk It felt like im practically half asleep while heading home. But it was great. Got drunk again. Its what I needed. The promising taste of beer was great. Hoping I could flush the loneliness out of my system.

Merry Christmas to everyone! Enjoy the season.

A Night in December.

I went out with my bestfriend last night to treat him for his birthday tomorrow. He skipped work just to drink with me. (a very good friend indeed). We have drank on a cozy bar called Bonfire Grill somewhere along Riverbanks which was really nice avoiding the crowd of Tiange shoppers nearby. The photo above was the view from our table. We were at the 2nd floor. Hell it was great! The wind was cold, the ambiance was relaxing, good music nice band. We even witnessed a 5mins fireworks display from a nearby mall. The booze was great. I didnt drank too much thou. 3 bottles of redhorse and 2 sanmig light strong ice. I was planning shop for my exchange gift the next day (which was today) I got a lot of stories to tell about this night. I just couldnt write them down since im in a hurry to leave. Another thing happened when i got back home semi-drunk and found Him log in. He was waiting for me. we chatted, shared jokes, laugh, exchanged smileys and I get to to see him on his webcam still in bed. I began to tease Him and then It happened, between 12:30-1:30am pass midnght (no further details will be given) , It was fantastic. I dont know how, It was like almost making love. It was very sweet and romantic. my first.

And now I cant fall inlove. Im never good at keeping long distance relationships. Neither he. But im starting to develop this uneasy feeling of loneliness, needing comfort. warmth, romance (duh) I want to fall inlove again and be loved. But what's holding me back.? fear.

Payday Rush

It's payday today. And i barely slept yesterday evening thinking about my salary that i'd be getting. I have so many things to buy, bills to pay and an amount to give to my parents and an extra cash to keep for christmas. It wasnt a good morning when I woke up at 3am and needed to go to work. its raining outside and i needed a nerve wrecking effort to force myself up. The jeepney ride was aweful. The jeep was crowed with people carrying bayongs headed to the market. Good thing I brought an umbrella, but my shoes was really wet, i still manage to stop on an atm machine (thou im already running late) to check if my salary has already been transfered to my account. I was practically speechless when i saw the amount. God gracious!! its more than what i expected. everything seems so sunny. It feels like openning a present on a christmas morning. I was happy and smilling still couldnt believe with the amount that i saw as I continue my way to work. The company wasnt that bad after all. Im satisfied with this payroll. I have recieve all the bonuses for this month. Im gonna buy myself a new shoes!
Work was fine. Thou the call volume was high I took calls joyfully. I even laugh with a customer. Everyone on the floor seemed to be full of energy. All happy and talking, greeting familiar faces as they pass by. The ambiance was really different. Everyone seems to be happy.


to be continued tomorrow...

December 02.

Happy Birthday!

Dear Unnamed,

.

. I can't believe its your birthday again. It seems only yesterday that we were just celebrating your 16th. And now, how old are you again? This is the 2nd year that I wasnt there to celebrate it with you, but i was not invited anyway. So i guess thats fine. We rarely talk everytime we meet. But I need to tell you, that i have always loved attending your birthdays. Its one of the those days that I really look forward every year and to be honest Im even more excited to celebrate your birthday than mine. Great food. Awesome inuman. And just sitting there beside you. Seeing you laugh, crack jokes, serve food, drink beer, share a stick of marlboro lights. It just felt like christmas eve. One of my happiest moments. We both have separate lives now. You have your own path and walking my own. The distance between us might have gotten to far that it wouldnt be anymore to go back but, who knows. The world is designed to be round.
Looking back from who we are 3 years ago, we have outgrown ourselves so much. We could almost be strangers to one another again. Maybe not. We could be thinking differently now, doing separate things, but we would still know where we both came from. We both knew who we are before, no matter how much the world change us. Nameless, you are a great person. You posseses so many things that i wish i have. Courage, Determination, Ambtion. You deserve all the happinest you can get. I wanna see you up there. Fulfilling the dreams of who you really wanna be, happy and contented of what you have. You have an incredible life and awesome friends. This might not be the year for us. But I will continue to be your friend and will always be that person you walk with that afternoon when we first met. And you, you will always be that brown-eyed-boy I have fallen inlove with. .
.

.

Happy Birthday!

Looking forward for my present.

I just answered a poll on a thread I visited this morning. The question was: "Can someone really find love in the internet?"

My answer was a big fat NO. I just dont believe its possible these days. There's too many pretenders, users, social climbers mixed with the genuine ones. Yes some people could have found it there, but finding love in a webpage? I know its a case-to-case basis. It could work for other people. But never for me. Being a member of a gay dating website for like 2-3 years now. It made no difference at all in boosting my boring mundane pathetic lovelife. Yes i did met, seen, chat, dated, slept with a few people Ive met on the web (hey! di po sila ganun kadami ha.) but love and compatibility was difficult to find. What we are discussing here is Love not hookups, getting laid and seb's. I was not losing hope. I just dont believe that I could find love in my computer screen. I was still moving on from that one-great-crash with my so called one-great-love. Browsing over thru these people's profile looking at good looking photos of men half naked, cute and handsome is just a recreational past time to kill boredom. I learned not to take everything seriously, but the person im looking isnt just there. he/she could be somewhere else. Maybe a neighbor, an officemate that i havent met yet. a future seatmate on a bus ride. or someone that a friend will introduce. but then, something odd just happened today. It was after lunch that I got a response from this person whom I have exchanged messages with that previous night. Those were not a lot, mostly hi's and hello's and email addresses, there were no dirty talks. just a couple of replies and we decided to take time to chat at ym. But there's something in our conversation that made me look forward for tomorrow. It isnt love at first chat. nah. something like a genuine friendship establish with a stranger. someone whom i have just talked within an hour and connected with..

this is how our conversation goes on ym...

* * * *

him: hi there..
him: g'afternoon there..
him: what's up with you bro?
him: u there?

buzz!!!

me: sorry. just finished lunch
me: ")
him: ano ulam mo?
me: fried bangus
him: sarap..
me: ska gulay
him: pahingi..
me: hehehe
me: san k?
him: ")
him: what do u men saan ako?
him: location?
me: yup po
me: caribbean
me: ahhh. ohh. wow!
me: di nga!
him: we have the same time it's just that ours is 12 hour backward
him: kulit...
him: oo naman…
him: b*** kita dyan eh..
me: uu nga.
me: heheh
him: “ )
me: share pics nman. gusto mkita carribean.
me: “ )
him: hindi pa ako nakakapag explore..
him: lagi dami pasyente..
me: business or pleasure.
me: ah. trabaho. nurse k?
him: don't worry, pag meron, padala ako sa iyo..
him: nope..
him: dosimetrist..
him: tnx. huh?
me: wow. bagong word. explain.
him: demanding..
him: pitikin ko kaya i**** mo?
me: di q po alam qng anu ung dosimetrist e
me: research q nlang..
me: sadista k b? heheh lol
him: i do treatment plans and dosage computatons for cancer patients undergoing radiation treatment..

me: ... (starstruck)
him: claro na po ba?
me: yup yup yup
me: galing mo nman.
him: what do u mean super astig?
me: super cool ng ginagawa mo. not everyone can do that.
him: when i left the phils, i think there were just the two us there..
him: ngayon, nag isa na lang sya..
him: hehehe..
me: tsk. sayang..
him: the other guy was trained in the US whilst me, in Europe..
me: kawawa nman xa. imagine pano n ung mga pinoy cancer patients
me: “ )
him: well, there are medical physicists who can do that also..
me: uu nga. pero iba k kz focus k sa field n un eh
me: un ung specialty mu e
him: ganun talaga ang buhay kapatid..
me: got that one.
him: uy, miss ko na buhay dyan sa atin alammo ba?
him: ano nga pala bago dyan?
me: i know. iba freedom pg sa sariling bansa k ngla2kad khit my holdaper feel at home p din.
him: korak..
him: dito anlalaki ng mga tao..
me: ganu k n b wla sa pinas?
him: takut achu..
me: sinabi mo p. my manager kmeng american sa office 4 time ung lake ng pwet ahiih
him: mas malalaki dito..
me: hehehe. kelan k umalis ng pinas?
him: kasi mga tao dito is dominated by east indians, latin americans and blacks..
him: 4 months ago..
me: di p nman pla ganun ktagal. nice nman sila ah. uhmm. ngrollback price ng gas date nsa 50+ ngaun 30 something nlang.. uwi k bilis!

him: kaya nga mas grabe homesick ko eh kasi bago pa lang..
me: tpos mukhang my blak p atang mg extend ng term si gloria s 2010.. ung panget n un..
me: you'l get use to it...
me: US territory p b carribean?
him: where i am located was an english/dutch territory
him: though ome of the caribbean islands were of american's
me: di n xa part ng US states?
him: though some..
him: nope..
me: ah. sarap jan. not everyone can have a chance to work thre. just appreciate what you have right now. anyway mka2balik k p din ng pinas.

him: oo nga e..
him: pero lungkot bro..
him: imiss home so much..
me: naku, wag ganun.. mgaabroad din kz aq next year.. bka mtakot din aq..
him: saan ka naman pupunta?
him: hwag ka na lang mag abroad..
him: iba pa rin pinas.
me: ill keep you company dont worry. ill keep you updated. basta if nahhome sick k. message k lng. plague nman aq nkonline 24hrs

him: parang indi ka naman lagi naka online eh.
him: “ )
me: mabagal kz umasenso d2. minsan kelangan nating mgsacrifice, qng aq lang auco tlga. and2 family, friends q pero kelangan e

me: hehehe. di kz aq prati ngyym. ska my inuman kme kgabe ng bestfriend q. hehehe
him: ikaw...
him: pero if i could only bring back time, i would rather stay there na lang..
me: kwento mo all about carribean. ang ganda kya jan. pangarap qng mkrating jan dati eh
him: punta ka na lang dito sa akin..
him: ")
him: hehehe..
me: hahaha. next time. ilang years k po b jan?
me: “ )
him: di ko alam eh.
him: depende sa akin din..
him: bagal mo naman mag reply..
him: busy?
me: wow. ang galing nman. after a year you can go back nman d2 ah. qng gusto mo tlga. pero i have a feeling your that going stay thre longer. mga 1st stage lng un mhomesick k. its normal. you'l be use to it after 6 months

him: sana nga bro.
me: sorry po. actually hnihintay kya kita
him: hehehe..
me: ano b feeling ng anjan?
him: you have the feeling..hmmm..madam auring, ikaw ba yan?
him: hehehe..
him: malungkot..
me: hehehe. come on. wla k sa pinas. your in a foreign country. everything around you is new to explore

him: back home, nasanay ako na kulang na lang may pupunas sa pwet ko..
me: hahaha
him: dito, lahat kailangang gawin ..
me: sabay spank b?
me: kelangan mo ng maid jan
him: pwede rin..
me: kso mhal
him: kaso mahirap magtiwala kung i kalahi eh..
me: ska naka2takot
me: yup
me: ndi sa pngddiscriminate but i wouldnt trust someone agad
me: gain friends.
him: yeah right..
me: mukha k nmang msaya ksama. mdali kng mkkhanap ng tropa jan
him: kaso ayoko pa ring friends ang mga local dito..
me: madame cgurong durugista jan. be careful ha.
me: but its still a nice place. give it a chance..
me: “ )
me: ndi k b matu2log? december 01 n pla jan ah
him: madami...kasi parang rendezvous from the latin americas and caribbean..
him: another 5mins..
him: na excite ako eh..may kausap ako..
me: kngina p kaya nghi2ntay. xenxa n ha.
me: basta pg kelangan mo kchat. just buzz.
me: hehehe.
him: i mean, i will stay another 5 mins ksi na excite ako na may makausap..
me: n gets q po un kngina. kw nman
me: gawin mo ng 10 pls.
him: okie..
me: ang lakas q agad sau.
him: gusto ko rin..
him: hehehe..
him: yoko kasi makulit eh..
me: o cge. unfair nman kz ngshare k n about urself aq nman
him: “ )
me: i work for a US telephone company. caller center agent (sigh)
him: uy..dami daw raket sa call center huh?
him: tama ba yun?
mes: anong nmang klase ng raket?
him: marami daw lalake?
him: hahahaha..
him: “ )
me: hahaha.
me: madameng cute. but i wouldnt waste my time.
him: mag call center agent n lang kaya ako?
him: hehehe
me: nope. anjan k n e. my reason si God qng bkit k nya dinala jan.
him: you know what? that is wht i am trying to figure out until now kung ano nga yung purpose ng pagpunta ko dio..

him: kasi, back home i didn't even consider of leaving the phils..and if ever, i wol like in europe..pero sa dami ng lugar sa mundo, dito ako napadpad..

me: kada2ting mo plang jan. xiempre di mo agad mla2man yan. its part of the thrill you need to stay. fight homesickness, adapt malay mo.. anjan pla soul mate mo.

me: see!! ndi xa chamba. my purpose k tlga jan. maybe being there will make you a whole lot better person. you'l see things n ndi mo nkita o nrealize sa pinas. be strong. npkswerte mo.

me: “ )
me: pwede n b aqng motivational speaker?
me: let me know po qng matu2log k n ha. ill understand nman e.
him: konting practice p...
him: hehehe..
him: pero, thanks talaga huh..
me: ganun. taas ng standard n2 ah.
him: kahit papano masaya ako at may makakakwentuhan na ako..
me: bkit ntgalan kng mgreply?
him: hehehe..
him: nakahiga kasi ako nagta type eh..
me: kwento k p.
him: ano pa?
me: sa ano itsura ng carib? madame bng hotel ska resort?
him: mga malalaking nota ng mga tao dito? yung mga pasyente ko pag nakikita ko?
him: shucks...nakaka praning..
him: oo naman..madami..
me: not interested jan. mas masarap p din pinoy. goodluck nman qng anong saket meron cla.
me: ano po b qualifications ng malaki ang nota? hmmm. ilang inches?
him: juice m kapatid...may naging pasyente pa ako halos umabot na sa tuhod..
him: kalukah..
me: come on.!
me: di po aq bata.
him: ?
me: bka nman ndi tao un
me: nang uuto k eh
me: ZZzzzzz
him: bro, i am serious..
him: i am telling you the truth..
him: really..
me: alryt
him: nun ngang makita ko eh parang gusto kong masuka..
me: eiiww
me: buti nlang bangus ulam q kngina ndi hotdog
me: eheh
him: hahaha..
him: pero totoo talaga..
me: have you already slept with somebody there?
him: i thought sa porno movie lng yun, pero it exist pala..
him: naah..
him: that's a big big no..
him: dalagang filipina po ako..
me: really? di nga.
me: hehehe
me: pano qng my mgapproach sau
me: tapos cute and type mo din. tingna q lng qng mkpgsabi k p ng big big no.
me: bka big big yeah!
him: actually marami na din..pinaka masugid is yug isang chinese-venezuelan..
him: pero ayaw pa rin..
me: whats holding you back?
me: having someone to love there will lessen the loneliness.
him: naah..
him: i have my son there..
him: behave ako dito..
me: ah..
me: r u married?
him: yup..and i have 6 year old son..
me: kchat mo b wife mo? if its ok to ask..
him: nope..
him: my sis in australia..
me: thanks for letting me in.
him: nope...thank you..
him: mwah..
him: “ )
me: oh come on. (while kinikilig. could this be real?)
him: meaning?
me: type kita, but ill rather keep you as a friend. i reallly like you as a person.
him: , i want to send you my pic para naman u'll have an idea how i look like..
me: thanks
him: pero promise me, jkeep it for urself kasi nga may sabit ako, ok?
him: nahiya naman kasi ako mukha ka namang mabait eh..
me: yes. ofcourse. thanks for the trust. di ko n din sana hi2ngin kz i understand. but seeing your face would be a different thing]

him: hayan o, may pic ka pa nga ako wala..
him: ayah...bagong gising nga lang..
me: uhmm
me: question
him: hope u don't mind.
me: yes
him: go ahead..
him: what's ur question?
me: why did you trust me with your pics? nkkflatter kz. knowing n complicated ung status mo.
him: kasi u didn't hesitate to put ur profie pic..
him: na guilty naman ako..
him: if i won't give you the equal trust..
me: hahaha. uu nga nu, pero lhat nman ng kchat q, mkita yan eh.
me: thank you. ill take care of you.
him: thanks a lot..

You have received 1 photo from ****.

me: hehehe. ang cute mo..

(he was on a bed in the photo smiling softly. he was handsome and has this adorable looking eyes. I was caught offguard. Damn his really cute. he's one of those yummy-young-daddy-type.)

him: hahaha..
me: … “ )
him: nawindang ako sa iyo..
me: no really. I don’t know what to say.
me: anyway. my ita2nong k b kngina?
him: thanks...
him: wala naman..
him: why?
me: uhmm. kla q my ta2nong k kngina e.. (come on! ask me if im single!)
me: nevermind nlang po.
me: i can go for ours of chating tanghaling tapat po d2, but if you would like to go to sleep i wouldnt mind really. you need to take a rest.

me: for hours po un ha
him: pasensya na sa pic..bagong gising..
him: lok closely..baka tulo laway pa..
me no its cute. ang gwapo mo kya. at ndi aq ako nambobola ha
him: look...
me: hehehe
me: as checked. negative po.
me: hehehe
him: baka naman maniwala ako...
me: hehehe. but you look sad.
him: oo nga eh..
me: your smiling but your eyes look sad.
me: on a second look parang ngang kaga2ling mo lng sa iyak e.
him: kasi if i can remeber, iyak ata ako nun hanggang makatuog ako..
me: now I understand. mahirap pla tlga..
him: i realized, patibayan ng loob ang pag a abroad..
me: kla q nung una naalala mo lng family and friends mo kya k nhhomesick tonight. yun pla everynight..

me: ano b mga usual ng ginawa mo jan?
him: o naman..
him: lalo na kung pag uwi mo tapos ala ka madadatnan sa bahay..
me: you can do it.
me: mahirap tlgang magisa. siguro qng aq ngaun ang nanjan. umiiyak n q sa harap ng webcam kausap mama at papa q

him: sinabi mo pa..
me: sbay sabing: mama di n tlga aq uulit. promise. auco n!
me: hehehe
me: ngite k nman. korni joke q e
him: ang ginagawa ko na nga lang, pinapa open ko yung cam sa bahay tapos pinapanood ko

yung anak ko habang nagpi prepare sa school and other stuff..

me: hehehe..
me: wow!!
me: ang sarap nun..
me: ok nman pla e. mkksama mo din cla.
him: kahit papano, nababawasan a rin lungkot ko dito..
him: at pag sasabihin ko sa anak ko: baby, daddy wants to kiss your armpits..tataas naman nya mga kamay nya sabay lapit sa cam..
me: lol. so cute..

him: nakakatuwa na rin kahit papano..
me: (he's name). try mong wag mxadong mlungkot. do things n makkpagpaligaya sau. feeling sad all the time wont help.
me: go out enjoy the place
him: oo nga eh..
him: hey , nice meeting you pare..
me: mas thankful aq nmeet kta.
him: need to sleep now. it's already a liitle past 2 am here..
me: yup.
ma: sleep tight po. goodnight. merry christmas.
him: buti nga, nag mesage ka sa guys4men eh..
him: how'd u find out nga pala account ko?
me: hehehe
me: ndaanan q lng po.
him: sa dinadami dami nun..
me: tpos icip q, mukhang cute to ah. message q nga.
him: hehehe..
him: salamat pare..
me: goodnight n.
me: tomorrow ulit
him: goodnight..
me: : )
him: thanks really..
me: me din. im glad i met you.
him: “ )
him: bye....mwah!
me: di aq mgllogout. you need log out n.
me: d2 lng aq.
me: “ )

* * * *

"I may never find love in any website. But I can always earn a good friend. Someone who could be there with us, tuck us to bed whenever were lonely."

thank you.